I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
