Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
