just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
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Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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