Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
