hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
