At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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