I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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