Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
how drunk are you?
Several
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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