im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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