you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
