You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
wow bdsm is so cute
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
