pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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