Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
