I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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