I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
