my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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