I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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