My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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