So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
