So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
