i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just gift wrapped bread.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
