Just fell off a train. Bad.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
