I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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