Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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