Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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