her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
