too bad you live with your parents still
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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