I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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