are you so shy because you have an std?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
