the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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