I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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