so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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