So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
