I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
