so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
