I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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