dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
