Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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