dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
