I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
