i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
