Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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