i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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