Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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