I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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