Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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