turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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