I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
