$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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