I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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