I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Randomize
