Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
