apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
