Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
